A Happy Man…and a Girl Trying too Hard

Sundays seem to be my thinking days. I was remembering a conversation my schoolmates and I had this past year in school concerning happiness and its truest nature. At the time, I believe we were reading Aristotle concerning happiness, and this is what that conversation became- my ambition. We divided the subject into two categories: “A man who is happy” and “A happy man.” At first blush there seems to be no difference between the two, but allow me to explain. “A man who is happy” is a man who can experience pleasure and happiness, but only superficially. And once that temporary pleasure is gone, what replaces it is utter despondancy. “A happy man” is one who can experience both pleasure and pain, and still retain a certain aspect of happiness in the most devestating circumstances. The Christian is like the “happy man.” We have a supra-natural happiness and a “peace that transcends understanding.” When James wrote that we must have joy in ever trial and tribulation, he was not talking about joy as in feel-good sort of pleasure. Instead, he was talking about the joy and happiness that comes only from being in the will of God. This is part of my goal for my life- to glorify God in everything I do and to be happy when I’m not experiencing pleasure.

I was reading Blue Like Jazz and Donald Miller started talking about Grace, and how it is that some people find no problem in accepting God’s grace, while others cannot accept it at all and feel as though they need to work for it. Miller pointed out that this is a bigger problem of not accepting God’s unconditional love. When we don’t accept this, we feel as if everything, including God’s love, has to be earned. While in this mindset, one cannot ever live a life that fully glorifies God, because we cannot overcome our struggles in our own power. It cannot be done, by any stretch of the imagination, and yet we try-so hard sometimes- and we get so frustrated because we can never get it right. I’ve been falling into this mindset, and just realized that it was a problem of pride, and not accepting God’s grace because I think I can do it myself. Sure, I’ll “say” that I need God’s help and I’ll pray a little prayer, but do I mean it? I don’t know that I do. I’m realizing that the problem is deeper than just sin, its a problem accepting a free gift. But, I mean, I accept it…how could I not? But, for some reason, I cannot get out of the “works mentality.” It is as though my head knows I don’t need to work to earn God’s love (how could I ever?), but my heart refuses to acknowledge its broken state and refuses to admit that I cannot ever be good enough. I know this, but for some reason I cannot live as though I know it. I feel so broken and frustrated right now, and yet, my head knows all the answers, but there is a barrier between my head and my heart. I need to break this barrier and live as though I know that I cannot ever earn God’s love, and live as though he still adores me and let his light shine through me.

I’m sorry if this is confusing and unintelligible, but, I’m trying to work through some stuff- obviously! Anyway…If anyone has any advice, I’m willing to listen.

“I am the vine; you are the branches. Whoever abides in me and I in him, he it is that bears much fruit, for apart from me you can do nothing.”  John 15:5

Light has come into the world, but men loved darkness intstead of light, because their deeds were evil.” John 3:19

“When Jesus spoke again to the people, he said, “I am the light of the world. Whoever follows me will never walk in darkness, but will have the light of life.”  John 8:12

“Your sun will never set again,
and your moon will wane no more;
the LORD will be your everlasting light,
and your days of sorrow will end.”  Isaiah 60:20

God’s word and his creation match so beautifully. I need to find more inspiration from His word. It is so comforting. Maybe that is the barrier that I am trying to overcome.

At Peace and In Turmoil,

M